WOW!  It's been about year since I have been on here.

Tonight I realized more than I thought I would.  A couple of friends asked me to go out with them to Hooligans for their Private Christmas Party.  And I thought it was a good idea because I wouldn't be sitting at home doing nothing for a change.  And a part of me wanted to go just to see if I missed hanging out with these two girls and missed that part of my life.  Overall the night went well, I had fun laughing and talking about old memories with them but in the end I came home still thinking about one person.  About nine months ago I met this wonderful guy.  He helped show me what true love really was and I fell in love with him.  He was my first love, and I cared for him more than anything.  He helped me to have confidence in myself when no one else did, told me things like I was beautiful, & loved me like no other.  He was an all around great person.  He could make me laugh and smile with the littlest thing he would do.  And to see him smile gave me butterflies.  After all the time we were together he still seemed to be able to give me butterflies and give me chills with his slightest touch.  I loved to be in his arms, because even if he only held me for a second, I felt like the most important person in the world.  He meant everything to me, and still does.  Some may look at our relationship and think it was a mistake.  But even if thing don't work out for me and him, I know it wasn't a mistake.  He bettered me as a person and he taught me things that I will always remember.  He always told me that it doesn't matter what people think of you or the decisions you make in life, and I will always use that because it is so true.  We always say things we regret when we are hurt or upset, and I know I have said alot of stuff that I shouldn't have said and wished I didn't say.  I never meant to hurt him, he still has my heart and I hope he hangs on to it and don't let it go.  We are both still young and may not know what we really want.  But unless fate has it to be different, I'm 100% sure I want to be with him.  This was the worst Christms I have ever had.  I lost my one and only.  If me and him can't get thru this I don't want to try and have something with anyone else, atleast for a very long time.  It's going to take me awhile to get over him and let my heart collect all the pieces and put them back together.  Some of this I done to myself and I hope I can try and fix the problem.  I swear on my life that I love this boy more than ANYTHING!  I gave him my heart in hopes of him not throwing it back at me in time.  All I can do is pray that God will lead us in the right direction and help the both of us to find out what we want.  And if he chooses not to be with me, then I pray God will help me to mend the broke heart and try to move on.